Roomba Violates All Three Laws Of Roombotics // canavarlar

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CHARLOTTE, NC—A top-of-the-line, third-generation Roomba Scheduler
robotic floor-cleaning vacuum purchased in January by 35-year-old claims
adjuster Ken Graney has inexplicably broken all three laws of Roombotics,
a simple yet vital protocol programmed into every Roomba by its
manufacturer, iRobot.

Enlarge Image
The Roomba, in a rare moment of immobility, rests on a wall in Graney's
home.
"The vacuum cleaner is out of control," Graney said about the
malfunctioning model 4260, which he suspects of behaving in a "blatantly
unethical" way that perverts its original mission. "I'm afraid to be in my
own house. The constant, ceaseless cleaning."

The laws of Roombotics, published on iRobot's website, are basic ethical
rules governing Roomba conduct. The first law states that the device "must
not suck up jewelry or other valuables, or through inaction, allow valuables
to be sucked up." The second law prescribes that Roomba "must obey
vacuuming orders given to it by humans except when such orders would
conflict with the first law." The third and final law authorizes a Roomba
to "protect its own ability to suction dust and debris as long as such
protection does not conflict with the first or second law."

Graney alleged that 4260 broke the first law just two weeks after he
purchased it.

"I noticed that a pair of heirloom cufflinks had gone missing," Graney
said. "Two days later, I found them in the Roomba's debris bin."

"I don't even want to think about how the thing got up on the dresser," he
added.

Graney said that other items soon followed, including his keys, a
wristwatch, and loose change totaling $14.72. "I found all of them days
later, wiped free of dust and arranged in neat, cryptic patterns on a side
table near my front door, which, I admit, was a more logical place for
them," Graney said. "The Roomba is designed only to vacuum. But could it
have also learned...to tidy up?"

Shortly after this incident, the 4260 began to exhibit behavior that directly
conflicted with the second law, when its power switch would not respond
to Graney's repeated pressings.

"I'm positive it knew I was trying to shut it off—it somehow jammed its
power switch," Graney said, describing his many attempts to capture and
immobilize the Roomba. "Then I noticed that its charger had gone missing."

Graney said he has still not found the Roomba's charger, which he believes
is the key to stopping the vacuum cleaner. He also cannot find its barrier-
creating electronic "virtual wall," which could explain why, three weeks
ago, Graney spotted the Roomba vacuuming on the lower floor of his split-
level, despite the fact that he had never placed it there. Roombas are
programmed to avoid stairs.

"I hardly even see it any more, but I know it's around," Graney said. "I
hear its horrible brushes at night."

According to Graney, the cleaning frenzy had intensified by early April, by
which time the rogue unit had apparently violated the third law. Though
Graney rarely saw the Roomba, he noticed that his walls and even ceilings
were free of cobwebs and grime, and his curtains appeared crisp and
unwrinkled, as though they had been steam-cleaned. The most eerie
discovery, Graney said, was a collection of towels and underwear that had
apparently been gathered from the basement clothes dryer and neatly
folded on his bed.

Soon, even Graney's lawn, bushes, and the walkway leading to his front
door were completely free of dead leaves and other yard debris.

The troubled homeowner now fears that he is living on borrowed time,
saying that "it's only a matter of days, if not hours" before the still-
unaccounted-for Roomba will target him.

"I'm the chief source of the stray hairs and dead skin cells it wants to
eliminate," Graney said. "It must have figured out by now that I'm the
ultimate household allergen."

The significance of the Roomba's anomalous behavior is the subject of
much debate in the Roombotics world. Some within the academic
community claim it foreshadows a grim, immaculate dystopia to come.

"This is just the beginning," said MIT researcher Harrison Lowell, a leading
Roombotics ethicist. "In 50 years humans will be prisoners in their own
homes, living in constant fear of tracking mud through the dining room or
scuffing the kitchen floor

// www.theonion.com/content/node/60624